Dentists Are Evil Incarnate

Kathryn Coffey

In the world, of necessary evils exist. Now that’s a wormhole in itself. Some may say there’s good in everyone. But at the end of the day, you can’t have good without knowing what’s bad. And unfortunately, one of these necessary evils are people who make it their sworn duty to keep the communities’ teeth nice and shiny. Of course, I’m referring to the entire field of dentistry.

Dentists are, and always have been, the bane of my existence. I hate going there. I hate just about everything about them. The less time I have to spend in a dentist office the better.

In fact, dentists are just pure evil.

When I was nine, I automatically decided I hated the dentist. They seemed very nagging, and it annoyed me. Ever since every dentist visit is a visit down to Hades.  

I’m not sure if it’s the case for every dentist office in this country, but the one closest to my house has a section in the waiting room dedicated to how dentist offices used to look back then. Why they have it on display for (somewhat) public viewing is beyond me since they look like medieval torture chambers.

Seriously, have you ever seen their early technology?! I have a hard enough time with their modern technology in my mouth. I would rather be dead than have my mouth be handled by rusty metal that could clean a horse’s jaw. Perhaps I should consider myself lucky a dentist’s office looks nothing like that now, but then I remember how a dentist appointment usually goes.   

Getting an x-ray is always a hassle. My mouth is never big enough, and I feel like I need a head brace that cranks my jaw really wide. It’s a miracle getting an x-ray hasn’t broken my jaw yet. It’s a good thing I don’t need one every time I go, but it’s tedious nonetheless.  

The worst part is the fishhook stick. I don’t know what they call it, and they use it to scrape plaque away from the gums. It’s inhumane, and I hate the way it feels in my mouth. The fishhook stick can go rot in a pit of lava.

While they’re at it, they could also throw away the flossing bit. Although I don’t hate it as much as the fishhook stick, it comes a close second. With the permanent retainers near the front top and bottom lines of my jaw, it makes flossing painful and practically impossible.

Oh, and don’t get me started on braces. I know orthodontists are in charge of that jurisdiction, but in my eyes, dentistry is dentistry, so I hate it all the same. One of the best Christmas presents I’ve ever received was getting the dang things off. So much pain, and all that was to make my smile look a little nicer. Wasn’t really worth it, if you ask me, but you know, whatever.   

The only good part about a dentist visit is the way they polish teeth. They use a mini car polisher that makes my teeth tingle, in a nice way. I’m not fooled, though. I still hate going to the dentist.    

Am I being too harsh? Probably. After all, they’re just doing their job. Besides, they’re living and breathing humans who get paid to do what they do. Most of them aren’t really sadists as Steve Martin might have you believe but having the need to cause people discomfort for making teeth strong and healthy doesn’t make them normal people.

Dentists don’t need Steve Martin singing about making mama proud by causing people pain. Dentists are evil enough on their own. Trust me.