First World Problems

My bit got stolen

Kayce Fuentes

First world problems is back and better than ever, mostly because I have faced the most defiant act of disrespect that I would not wish on anyone else. It was so terrifying, that I was left speechless and mouth agape; I could not even believe it. However, I was not met with sympathy but just a mere shrug from a close ally. What was this grave injustice you ask? Brace yourself for you have probably encountered the same crossroads that I have now found myself at: someone stole my joke and got more laughs than I did.

So, here I am bright-eyed and bushy tailed walking into the first day of this class that I have been waiting to take since sophomore but my schedule never allowed. I finally make it to senior year of taking random electives, and I walk into class excited to dive into some new knowledge. I will refrain from identifying the class or the joke THIEF out of respect, but you know who you are.

Anyway, I’m sitting in class, and we are watching this video, and it freezes because of poor wifi connections. So I being my hilarious self, announce “it’s a dramatic pause!” I get no laughs, fine, not all jokes land, not everyone appreciates comedy. Although, I did receive a small snicker from the person next to me which was good enough for me.

I’m going to pause the story to tell you a little bit about me, mostly just to describe how dedicated I am to my artform of comedy and hilarious commentary. Once, I got in my car and drove to McDonalds just so when my best friend asked where I was, I could say “not home” then drove home and hid in her closet and jumped out to scare her. I am well known to refilm Snapchats just because it wasn’t funny enough the first time. This last bid day, my sorority’s theme was Candyland, so I dressed up as a bag of jellybeans, which was as hilarious as you would expect it to be. So, needless to say, I take my comedic goals very seriously.

Back to the story, we move rooms to get a better wifi connection, and video once again freezes. That’s when hell froze over and the wind picked up and there was a mighty storm cloud in the middle of the classroom as my fellow classmate opens his mouth, and I hear his words come out in slow motion “IT’S A DRAMATIC PAUSE”. Roaring laughter. Me: shocked. My previously amused neighbor shrugs as I inform her “that’s my bit, he stole my bit”. Betrayal tastes sour if you were wondering.

Here’s how I know the thief knows he stole my bit and committed comedy forgery to the entire class. Remember how we moved rooms, well bit thief was sitting right in front of me when I said my golden joke the first time and I know he heard it because I could see his smug thief smirk as he saw my joke didn’t land and he thought, “Ah yes, your joke is now mine”.

This grave injustice has lead me to come to address you, joke stealer. How do you sleep at night, knowing you stole those laughs I rightfully earned? I hope you live a life filled with jokes you have to explain to people to the point where they’re not even funny anymore. For now, I lie in wait for the day for the day you don’t say your joke loud enough, and I have my redemption for the laughs I rightfully earned by saying it louder.