The Decaturian

How to Rig an Election

Alex Johnson, Writer

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With the most important election just around the corner, many people want to know how to make sure their preferred candidate wins the election. So if you’re pro Hillary or pro Trump, I’m about to explain to you how to rig an election.

There are in fact many ways to rig an election.  All of which, I assure are you completely and 100% illegal. The first way has the best success rate: Kill your opponent! I think the reason why this works most, if not all, the time is because if your opposition dies during their campaign, then there is no one left to run against you. Obviously, you’re going to want to kill them and make sure that their murder cannot be traced back to you. When it comes to killing your opponent there are a few things that you have to keep in mind. Remember, to make it look like an accident and or make it look like someone else did the crime. ALWAYS remember to eliminate any and every paper trail that leads the murder back to you.

Another way to rig an election is to have dead people vote for you. This method has been done many times in the past and has a very high success rate. Yet, there is always a chance that you might not have more votes and more supporters than the person/people running against you. Having dead people vote for you may sound like “The Voting Dead,” but actually you have living people with no moral conscious go to the polls and vote as someone that is dead. Obviously, this is frowned upon and can send all these “dead” voters to prison, but once you get elected you can simply pardon them of all their crimes. Fun! How Clutch! Gotta Love Government!

Now most of us aren’t running to be President and or on Congress. However, most of us are probably looking to be class president or something meaningless like that. In this case, yes, you can still resort to killing whomever dares to run against you. However, this may not be the best method. I suggest that you simply stuff the ballot with votes for you. This method of rigging an election has been done countless times in middle school and shows that depict middle school, so clearly it should work for college elections and onward….Right?

If for some odd reason these three ways do not work for you can always NOT cheat. There’s a good idea. You can always try and coerce your opponents into supporting and voting for you by promising them things you won’t actually provide. There is absolutely no way this method can fail, please do not quote me on that. Remember that killing your opponent should be your last resort unless it is a really close race and you need to prevent the spawn of Satan from winning. Other than that, good luck with rigging the elected position you seek!

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How to Rig an Election