More than a Milli-Plague: Diseases at Millikin

Kathryn Coffey, Writer

By now every student here at Millikin has experienced the Milliplague. Basically it’s your body’s way of saying: “Forget this day, I can’t deal!” It’s a  combination of stress and germs from people you have only been with for a short period of time—roughly a month or so—also play a critical role for the classes you’ve  might  have missed.      

What you may not know is that there are other diseases that are just as bad if not worse than the Milliplague. Although these diseases have similar symptoms, it would be against  human nature to just call it one word. There are many diseases I could mention, but for argument’s sake, I will mention only four.

Broncho is the disease that’s the most closely related to the Milliplague. It’s short for Bronchitis, a disease whose symptoms include: constant coughing and loss of breath from mucus build-up.  

Procrastona-Simpson Syndrome is another close relative to the Milliplague. Named for famed cartoon character Homer Simpson, symptoms include, but are not limited to, light-headedness, trouble concentrating, exhaustion, being easily distracted, and your soul dying. Procrastona-Simpson Syndrome interferes with getting anything done. In fact, some cases have been reported where the patients couldn’t even get out of bed.

Another disease that is common around Millikin—and other college campuses across the country—is the George A. Romero Disorder. People actually look and function like zombies under this disorder. You might notice students with dead expressions on their faces and body language just as lackluster to match. These students may be dismissed as people who haven’t had enough sleep, but beware! This condition is very serious and can lead to actually craving fresh human brains for whoever is unlucky enough to catch it.

Of all the dangerous inflictions mentioned, there is nothing more frustrating than Clownstantaneioitis. Symptoms of this illness include sudden fascination with balloon animals, freakishly laughing for no reason whatsoever, wearing pale make-up on a daily basis, constantly smiling or staring at the wall in a creepy way, disappearing from your place of residence for hours at a time, and being withdrawn from the rest of the outside world. The most alarming aspect about these symptoms is that they are not always so easy to detect.

The severity of this illness depends on whoever has it. If the person is quiet by day, chances are, their symptoms are more noticeable very late at night. If the person is outgoing, the symptoms may not be as noticeable at night, but they can appear spontaneously and involuntarily throughout the day. This disease is also the hardest one to treat, as there is no direct cause of it in the first place.   

All of these diseases are highly contagious and should be handled with extreme care. With that in mind, preventing them is a somewhat easy task, at least on paper they appear easy to prevent.

Part of the solution is maintaining a good sleep schedule. Another solution that  works is improving one’s time management—there’s nothing wrong with using a planner. Make some changes in your diet, read a good book, or go outside every now and again. Designate some time to unwind, and nothing will go wrong.

Now I, and the rest of the Decaturian staff, are not your parents. It’s not exactly our place to tell you what to do if, by under some unfortunate circumstances of course, you should end up with any of the illnesses mentioned in this article. However, it is our responsibility to give the people the information they need to know. If this information gets out in time, we all stand a good chance of preventing the worst zombie outbreak in the history of mankind.