Are you an aspiring serial killer who’s having trouble figuring out where to hide their first victim? Are you queasy about taking the Jeffrey Dahmer route when it comes to getting rid of the evidence? Then look no further– this is the article for you! Since Halloween is quickly approaching, many wannabe serial killers are preparing for their first victims. Some of you may be looking up the best ways to kill someone, ( I would suggest shoving frozen bread down their throat in order to choke them. That way, the bread decomposes and police are left without a weapon) but seem to be forgetting to conduct research on how to hid the bodies of your victims.

• Eat Your Victim

When it comes to hiding a body, one of the best ways of doing so is hiding it within your own body. Yeah, it sounds gross, but seriously who is going to look for remains in your stomach? If you can get past the fact that you are eating another human being, I hear that liver tastes good with Chianti.

• Bury them in Another Person’s Grave

The real trick to this one is: don’t get caught. If someone catches you digging up another person’s grave, you’d have a hard time explaining why there’s another body sitting on the ground next to you. Personally, I’d choose a graveyard that is kind of hidden away in a wooded area or somewhere that isn’t too close to civilization. After choosing your ideal location, all you have to do is dig up a coffin, shove your victim inside, and rebury it. This isn’t my favorite way of hiding a body, mainly because of the whole defiling of a grave thing.

• Hide them Under Your Floorboards

I don’t suggest this if you don’t plan on moving out soon. First, you have to wrap the body tightly so that fluids and/or the smell does not leak out. I suggest wrapping it up with garbage bags and using multiple layers. Then pry up those boards and lay em’ down. Doesn’t matter where you put it, you can put it underneath the floor in your kitchen if you’d like. Or by your bed if you’d like to be constantly reminded of your sins.

• Burn It

Burning the body will get rid of any evidence of assault and will make it harder for investigators to identify the victim. The teeth are usually all that’s left afterwards and I suggest just chucking them into the nearest pond. Side note: I hear that the human body smells really good when you burn it.

• Dump it In a River or an Ocean

Put weights on the body so that it doesn’t float to the surface. Nothing calls attention to you like a floating body in the middle of the town pond. Also, don’t wrap it. Fish will eat the flesh off the bones to the point where they will eventually float to the surface. And unless you broke a few of their bones in the process, they’ll eat all the evidence too.

• Feed it to Pigs

Pigs will eat anything. Even the bones, and by the time they poop it out, the bones will be so mangled that they will be almost impossible to identify.

• Swamp

Who is going to look in a swamp. Really.

• Hide it Someplace Random

Like an abandoned warehouse. Chances are no one is going to find your victim until you’re long gone.

• Barbecue it and Feed it to the Police

Fried Green Tomatoes style.

• Woodchipper

Messy, I don’t think you should do this in your front yard. Or your backyard for that matter.

• Drop it in a Vat of Molten Metal

I don’t know how you’ll find a vat, but if you do, there’s no way any investigator is getting anything from that.

• Drop it in an Active Volcano

Review number 11.

• A Mixture of Previous Suggestions

Chop up the body, boil  it all (this gets all of the meat off of the bones). Feed the meat to your pet, and then dry out the bones and grind them up. Use the bone powder to spice up your meals. Or let it blow in the wind. Whichever you prefer.

• Hide it in an old mine

Who is going to look in an old mine, and if no one goes in there long enough, the victim could be mistaken for a miner who died within the caves. Probably not. Investigators can usually tell how long a body has been left out in the open.

There you have it, a list of ways to hide a dead body. Good luck to you aspiring serial killers, and remember, there’s no shame in taking the Dahmer route. Just make sure you eat all of your food.