We all fear it. The upperclassmen try to warn us, but it strikes silently: the freshman fifteen. According to most freshmen, getting fat is probably the worst thing that could happen to you; failing your classes or getting hit by a car is bearable if you’re still skinny. Who cares if there are starving kids in underdeveloped countries? Or even children in America who can’t afford lunches for school and have to get help from the government.

The important thing is right now you’re gaining weight, and you don’t know why. Before you start googling unhealthy and impossible lose-weight-fast diets that Beyoncé swears up and down work, you can find yourself a workout buddy and head over to the DISC.

“I don’t have time with all my classes!” Yes, you do, stop lying to yourself. What are you doing in that two-hour gap between your classes? I already know—napping or rushing to type that paper that was assigned a week ago and due five minutes ago. You could also try to stop going to the Bistro at 10:30 p.m. You don’t need those French fries.

I know you do it, because I’m guilty too. You eat the ice cream at lunch and dinner every day. You know it’s bad for you. You’ve been good and didn’t eat ice cream at lunch so you can eat it at dinner, right? Wrong.

“I won’t get fat with all these stairs!” Oh, you totally will. Stop using the elevator in LTSC too, cheater. Solving the freshman fifteen is easy. Get a buddy and say “please, don’t let me get fat!” Hit up the DISC with them, and for Pete’s sake, stop picking up the pizza at lunch and dinner. Not everything needs to be dipped in ranch. You don’t need that soda every day. Try the lovely salad bar.

Just remember when your pants start feeling tight, at least you’re getting fat at a private university and you have more than enough to eat. One last thing: Michelle Obama would be so proud if you had more than five colors on your plate. Then, maybe your fat pants would stay fat pants.