Let’s talk about rape culture.

Sure, the name sounds a little sensationalist, but sometimes you need to shock people out of complacency.

Rape culture is, put simply, the normalization of sexual violence in our society. It shows up every time someone asks a survivor of sexual assault what they were wearing, like in this article by the New York Times  about a rape case handled by the Navy (spoilers: it wasn’t handled well). It shows up every time we’re taught to avoid being raped, instead of teaching, “don’t rape.”

Remember the Steubenville rape trial?  Rape culture in action. There was a lot of talk about how the boys’ lives were being ruined, how the survivor shouldn’t have been drinking, partying, or being out in the first place. Serena Freaking Williams spoke out publicly, saying that while the boys “did something stupid, I don’t know,” but that the girl they assaulted “shouldn’t have put herself in that position.” Because when you rape someone, you made a mistake, but if you get raped, you should’ve known better than to let it happen.

Sexual violence is so prevalent in our society that we are literally telling women that not only should we be expecting to be sexually assaulted when we go out, we are personally responsible when someone “does something stupid,” because apparently, the bigger faux pas isn’t assaulting someone, it’s not protecting yourself from it.

When it comes to people defending victim blaming (they prefer to call it “using common sense,” but let’s call a horse a horse), you’ll often hear rape being compared to someone robbing your house or car. At first glance, these analogies probably seem parallel to you. You wouldn’t leave your car unlocked, would you? So why would you dress in a way that could attract rapists, or drink too much in a social situation?

Every time someone blames the survivor’s clothing on their assault, they’re not only attacking the victim, they’re insulting every man on this earth. Men are not rabid sharks. They have self-control. They don’t go into a sex-crazed rage every time they see a bit of leg, or some cleavage (not to mention that clothing rarely is a factor in whether or not someone is assaulted; most convicted rapists can’t even remember what their victim was wearing). Men are capable of exhibiting self-control, and they, not their victim, are responsible for their actions.

Rape culture is a difficult thing to talk about, because it holds all of us, not just rapists, accountable for the prevalence of sexual violence in our society. No one wants to wants to think they contributed to rape culture (unless you do, in which case please get help there is something wrong with you), but if you try to argue that a survivor should’ve done something different to avoid their assault, then you’re perpetuating rape culture. If you make tasteless rape jokes where being raped is the punch line, you’re normalizing sexual assault and perpetuating rape culture (for the record, there are some genuinely funny rape jokes out there).

The only person responsible for a murder is the murderer. The only person responsible for a mugging is the mugger. So why can’t we all just agree that the only person responsible for a rape is the rapist?