Aries

21 March-20 April

Did you beware the Ides of March? Your debts remain unsettled. It is unlikely you will be stabbed to death, but on this day collapsible knives go hand in hand with the rubber chicken. And they scream bloody murder. Collectors come in many shapes and sizes. Beware the rubber chicken.

Taurus

21 April-21 May

It is not yet time to take over the world. Continue working on your plan, but there is an outside factor that will interfere if you start now. Wait a couple weeks and then hit ‘em with it. They will know exactly what happened and you will be their overlord.

Gemini

22 May-21 June

Wait, it’s a trap! If you fall, you’ll fall alone. Down, down, down the rabbit hole. Drink me, eat me; it won’t matter. You are stuck there alone. But you’re not a caterpillar, so get a life. Alone is for those who are truly mad, and your grin is bound to have more meaning behind it.

Cancer

22 June – 22 July

There once was the sign of the Cancer/The crab who just wanted an answer;

But instead they got this/So they let out a hiss

And searched for a mental enhancer.

Leo

23 July – 22 August

Today is the day your dreams come true. Every wild thought you’ve had since you were a child—it’s all yours for the low, low price of absolutely nothing! Your crush has a crush on you, that car you want is on sale. Just kidding. Everything sucks and you’re dying of sadness and frustration (A.K.A. stress).

Virgo

23 August- 23 September

Dance your dance, my friend. Remember those lyrics to that one Lady Gaga song? Yeah, the stars say that. Live not your own best life, but THE best life. Your dance can be the best dance. Snakes can dance. Be a snake. They won’t know where you’re going to strike next.

Libra

24 September – 23 October

The stars would like to make a request of you. Go outside tonight and close your eyes. Lift your right foot slowly and then hop onto the left foot. Hop three times on that foot, then switch back and repeat. When the time is right, you will know to climb the tree.

Scorpio

23 October – 22 November

The stars are annoyed with you, Scorpio. You’re really pissing them off. You should probably stop that, not that they can do much about it. Just be careful not to make the moon angry as well. They’re kind of protective of their moon. That would really irritate them.

Sagittarius

23 November – 21 December

Yeah, that outfit was a terrible mistake and the stars are making fun of you. The joke is no longer on you, you are the joke. Can you laugh with that? Ha! Ha ha. Bahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Capricorn

22 December-20 January

You always want to know what the stars have to say. Why don’t you tell us what’s up for once? We want to know our futures. Become an astronomer. Come see us; be an astronaut! Or be like the writer and become an astrologist. Or a centaur. You can be anything you want to be.

Aquarius

21 January – 19 february

Your breath could be fireworks, but you insist on breathing the air. Try some fire for once in your life. Start with inhaling the flames. This unfortunately will not make you a dragon, but it is worth a shot. It may burn your throat, but the sparks are there. Is that not what you want?

Pisces

20 February – 20 March

Today is a terrible time and you should probably just hide in your room and ignore it. You’ll fail that test. Your significant other is having even more significant doubts. “It’s not you, it’s me.” But it is you. Of course, you don’t believe in these anyway. Doubter Pisces. So, it’s all probably going to be fine. Forget the stars said anything.