Aries

19 April-13 May

You were worried about your eyes, but it’s your teeth that are falling out. You try to hold them in, but they are crumbling. You chew, and they crunch, blood dribbling down your chin. They are cracked and press into your gums. They will not go back in. Try to talk now, spitting blood and shards of bone.

Taurus

14 May-19 June

Get rid of one thing today, you hoarder. Done? Good. Now go back and get it because you know that, inevitably, someday you will need this one thing more than anything in the world to keep you alive. This is untrue. The mess will only grow, and there is nothing you will do about it. It grows until it consumes you, body and soul.

Gemini

20 June-20 July

You have been lied to. Forgiveness will get you killed, but revenge will lead to misery. Try indifference. We don’t know what will happen with that one, but hey, it’s worth a shot. Chances are you have the wrong target in mind, anyway. (It was a Virgo.)

Cancer

21 July-9 August

Bloody murder. You cannot scream; you have no voice. You have no knife; it’s in his side. You’ll have to eat the meat whole. Or cut it with a fork. Ask him to stop bleeding on your cutting board. You’ll get salmonella.

Leo

10 August-15 September

You are so cold. It’s only you. Your blood temperature has gone down. Wait—no. The amount of blood in your body has gone down. You’re bleeding out. Good thing you’re cold. Better to be numb than feel the hot blood seeping out of that wound.

Virgo

16 September-30 October

Something is watching you. Or maybe someone. Justice is coming for you, but you will follow this up with more retribution. You might get your way. You will lose friends. You will definitely come out of it covered in lots of papercuts. But you won. Happy now? Your whole body stings.

Libra

31 October-22 November

You have no future.

Scorpio

23 November-29 November

Did you drink that water? No? Well, you can also lose liquid in a cold sweat. Too late now. You’re beginning to shrivel up. Your skin dries, parched and cracking. Now you’re drinking water. It’s not enough. You continue to drink and shrivel. You pour the water down your throat, liquid spilling over your lips, drowning you. It doesn’t help. You’re no longer drinking water.

Ophiuchus

30 November-17 December

Who are you? Do you know? Well, she does. Your mysterious personality and secretive nature have hidden your being even from yourself. You do not know your true intentions. Watch yourself. You cannot know when you will stab yourself in the front.

Sagittarius

18 December-18 January

You get the same opportunities as the rest of us, but you will miss every single one. Lady Luck has abandoned you to go party with Lady Justice. Looks like you’ll have none of her either. Too bad Johnny Law’s got a gun and is breathing down your neck.

Capricorn

19 January-15 February

Hide. Hide now. Don’t run! It will catch you if you run. Your only hope is to hide and whatever you do, do not move. It can smell movement. You don’t believe me? Oh well. Goodbye, Capricorn. She never liked you anyway.

Aquarius

16 February-11 March

Spiders. It starts and ends with spiders. Your hair is not safe. Your nose is not safe. Do not breathe in while you sleep. They are there. Spiders. This is it for you. There is no more you. Only them. Spiders.

Pisces

12 March-18 April

Beware of the other fish in the sea. You are a freshwater fish. You shouldn’t be in the sea at all. You cannot survive outside your pond. There are predators swimming around you, waiting to attack at any sign of weakness. In the off chance you get away, the saltwater will drown you slowly, and they will devour your remains immediately.