Aries 21 March – 20 April

Your phone is missing but not to worry, it will turn up. However once it turns up you will find that your phone charger is broken and you have no friends available to loan you one. You will also come to love the smell of soy and wish you could bathe in it. Welcome to your own personal hell! Also the meaning to life is waffles.

Taurus April – 21 May

You have been reborn as today is the day that everything changes you. You were lost then you will be found again. Anyways yep, that’s just some astrological advice from the stars. Scat, Scat, Get out of here! Nothing to worry about. Okay we’re all okay, everyone’s fine, I’m fine and they’re fine, you’re fine…. Well except for that gash on your arm. What, who said that? “Not I,” says the spirit behind you!

Gemini 22 May – 21 June

How scared are you of clowns, Gemini? I mean, no reason. The stars are just asking. Like, are you super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you’re pretty fearless, right? Like, you could handle a few clowns! You could handle a bunch of clowns! Right, Gemini? No reason. I’m just asking for a friend. Nothing to worry about!

Cancer 22 June – 22 July

Listen to me okay, the stars don’t come out at night, the stars are always out! You got that right, Cancer? That wasn’t me talking. That is what the stars say today. Interpret it as you will. I’m not saying you will receive bad or good news just that the stars remind me to tell you “Aaaaaaaaaaaggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!,” is in your future.  I mean, maybe that’s a good sign, right? Right? It’s a very exact science or maybe inexact I never can tell which is it!

Leo July – 22 August

Need a hug, give a hug. Have a hug? Take another hug! Hugs are worthless in this post-apocalyptic world, but go ahead and take all you can get. Build a great fortune only to have its great copper weight crush your lifeless destitute  body. And then… and then… is this a dream? Who’s to say!

Virgo 23 August – 23 September

Do not under any circumstances look behind you. Not because there is someone or something behind you. No, not at all. What did I say! Oh excuse me sorry, this message was meant for someone else. Now as I was saying, Go see a friend today, preferably someone who lives outside of town. It’s a great escape! Especially from all this soy pollution and dangerous UV radiation and your responsibilities!

Libra 24 September – 23 October

Your dreams will be filled with prophetic visions. Write them down. They won’t be your prophetic dreams, maybe someone else’s dreams. Anyway write them down and perhaps someone will find some use for them. Because god knows, there useless to you. Anything else, oh yeah we take back everything we’ve ever said about you.

Scorpio 24 October- 22 November

The stars are talking but not with you, rather about and at you. If you can’t hear them, that’s not my fault. Perhaps you should be self aware of yourself and your surroundings. You should play close attention to hear what they’re saying about you. Who knew the stars were so funny! That’s all for now.  

Sagittarius 23 November – 21 December

Sagittarius: Eat well today! You’ve earned it! And by “it,” I mean “ a hankering for spiders”! And by “earned,” I mean “acquired”. I should proof read this stuff before I read it out loud. Let’s try that again. “You’ve acquired a hankering for spiders!” Yes, much better! Bon Apetit! Sike! Spiders have acquired a hankering for you these days. Run!!!!!

Capricorn 22 December – 20 January

Those were not your clothes you put on today. Oh well, best not dwell on it. Be careful, or logic will consume your entire body from the inside outside out. Well, what a frightening image that was. I’m glad this isn’t my zodiac sign. Today’s lucky number doesn’t exist and what a coincidence neither do you!

Aquarius 21 January – 19 February

You have so much in common with the ocean. A gentle breeze that no one can ignore, or understand. Communication only through choppy sounds of the tide hitting the rocks along the shore. Skin made of flotsam and jetsam, debris left over from shipwrecks. The way you shimmer in the iridescent glow of moonlight. You are very, very much like a ocean. Almost impossible to tell the difference. What were we talking about again?

Pisces February 20 – 20 March

Poison is not as bitter as you previously thought. Others will wonder how you know this. Yet, you mustn’t let them ever get inside your mind unless of course they are already there. Try to concentrate on that. It’ll help you feel a little better tomorrow. If not tomorrow perhaps the day after next and so on and so forth….