Humans Shouldn’t Have Made it This Far


Photo by: Justin Taylor

Students play-dead at the base of the Quad after the first few weeks of classes.


  1. Humans have managed to live for too damn long. We should have died out during the black plague, when the Earth wasn’t as ravaged by industrial giants as it is now. Back then, the Earth would’ve been able to bounce back from all the crap that we’ve done to it. But no, here we are, six years past one of our many predicted expiration dates, still going strong. There are so many reasons why humans are a trash species, one of them being our spines. Humans were never supposed to be upright creatures, and if we were, we should definitely have spines that are stronger than what they are now. Like seriously, if we sit down all day, our backs hurt. If we stand up all day, our backs hurt. The only real solution for our back pain is a mixture of laying down every few hours and taking a bunch of pain medication.
  2. Humans are extremely stupid. There, I said it. We somehow managed to be an evolved species that learned how to communicate, make pizza, and invent IPhones. From the surface, we look really smart and really prosperous. Going deeper, we are just a bunch of creatures that kill other things and other humans. We put so many animals in danger and put their existence at risk because we hunt them or kill just for fun. Hell, we had a whole “save the bees” movement because we killed them and things that attracted them. I strongly believe karma is going to get the human race sooner or later to make up for how terrible we are to other living beings.
  3. The world is too cold for us. If you need any evidence, look at me: I can barely survive in a 65-degree room. Trust me, without my cardigan, I would be a goosebump-covered freak every day of my life. Goosebumps, by the way, are supposed to keep us warm, but they almost never do. Here’s the science behind that: Your skin forms bumps to make your body hair stand on-end, ‘poofing’ it out, thus trapping more body heat. This would work if, say, you were a GORILLA or a BEAR or something. Instead, we’re stuck with permanent baby-skin our whole lives. Heaven forbid a fire ever destroyed all of the coat factories during the depths of winter, because all humans could do is patiently roast marshmallows and wait for impending hypothermia.
  4. Humans are by nature pack animals, creatures that live and hunt together in groups, and as humans, we have the ability to pack bond to just about anything. For example, if it wasn’t for us bonding with dogs, we may not have made it this far. Studies have shown that dogs played a vital role in developing the modern human and helping make sure our dumb ancestors didn’t starve to death when food was scarce. But let’s think about this. You’re an ancient caveman hanging out with your fellow cave-people around the fire you may have just learned how to make, just trying to stay warm, and a creature, that was at minimum the size of a large German shepherd, that you know hunts and eats creatures like you all the time, probably bringing friends with it as well, comes next to your fire and pretends like its suppose to be there. What do our ancestors do? They decide trying to touch it is a viable option. Not only do they try to touch it, but then, they decide that they want to follow the large number of big carnivorous creatures around and try hunting with them and share their food, because they seem real good at getting it. After they somehow manage to touch and survive hunting with these creatures, our caveman ancestors decide to let them hang around their campsite and entrust the safety of their camp to their new “friends.” Fast forward a ton of time and here we are; so next time you see a dog, thank them for their ancient ancestors not eating our dumb ancient ancestors.
  5. Humans do not deserve the things that we have. We are greedy and power hungry monsters who would rather steal and take advantage of other people than to do things for ourselves. We take and take and take and never give back to the environment that we are always destroying. Our planet and species are basically doomed from how incredibly selfish and egotistical we are. I am surprised that we have lasted this long because we are inches away from having the whole world die. Why doesn’t God just send a flood down on all of us now for how much we have wasted and murdered the beautiful earth that was given to us? Humans are just a toxic waste of space in this universe, and after everything we’ve done to this world, we deserve our karma. We kill and murder for sport, because our government allows us to, and we obliterate every nice thing we have. This is why humans can’t have nice things. We’re idiots who never know when enough is enough.