Horrorscopes

Aries

21 March-20 April

Tie your shoes or else. Tie them tight; double knot it. Don’t have laces? Tie your shoes. Bind them. They cannot fall off. Use dental floss if you have to. Aren’t wearing shoes? Find them. Tie them. They will leave you. Lace them to your bed post. You do not know what else is wearing them.

Taurus

21 April-21 May

The next beginning is still the end of something. It’s not your life, but life as you know it, and it’s already the apocalypse. Can you see it? Future history surrounds you and you cannot see it. Open your eyes. Wider. WIDER! Too wide, don’t let the spiders crawl in but blink and you’ll miss it.

Gemini

22 May-21 June

You got the cause of your headache wrong. But of all the possible causes this is the most comforting. You are wrong. There’s something else. Something in there. Maybe tell it to stop moving? That could help. Oh no, you’ve just made it angry. If only you could run away from your own brain.

Cancer

22 June-22 July

It’s a new day! So why is the sun not coming up? Ah, your mistake. You’ve just been sitting there for hours, wasting time, wasting away. Huh. Why is that happening? You ate lunch today, didn’t you? Your stomach is shrinking. Your skin… how does it shrivel up so fast? Ah. It has been much longer than a day.

Leo

23 July-22 August

The universe is vast, and it contains much variety. Wonders and horrors alike, but many more of the former. So, it’s very interesting that the majority of the latter decided to gather outside of your door tonight. Was that a knock? Seemed polite enough, maybe let them in? BANG BANG! Never mind, I’d find a better lock.

Virgo

23 August-23 September

Time to wake up, Virgo. You’ve been asleep for far too long. Are you listening to me? Why aren’t your eyes opening? The simulation is about to implode so I suggest you hurry. Can you not feel the needle in your arm? Oh. It seems the flow through the tube has reversed. I guess they want you to stay.

Libra

24 September-23 October

You are what you eat, so why is there pus coming out of your elbow? That’s an odd color. And the scales on the back of your neck were smooth just a minute ago. How many snakes excrete slime? Was that a snake you ate? You wish. Oh, looks like the pus is moving.

Scorpio

24 October-22 November

It’s coming up your throat—try not to breathe too heavily. You may feel the urge to vomit, but that would also not be smart. Wait for it to pass; it will be gone, and there aren’t too many more in your stomach. And those are only a little bit bigger than this one.

Sagittarius

23 November-21 December

Rip off one fingernail and the rest will fall out after. The toenails will go next, starting the first time you stub your toe. You may not notice until you feel it in your socks, but do not look when you take them off. Say the wrong thing and this phenomenon will transfer to your teeth.

Capricorn

22 December-20 January

Does it feel crowded even when no one is there? Are you sure no one is there? Interesting. It’s unseasonably hot in here. Well, at the very least it’s not Cancer you need to be worried about. It was already too late for them. You…they’re still coming for you. But, as you’ve guessed, they’re already here.

Aquarius

21 January-19 February

Save yourself, Leo’s already gone. We suggest loud noises interspersed with harp music for protection. Augmented chords only. Don’t stop. The screaming might help but at least try to stay in key. Louder. Sharper. Are you in pain? That might help. If you can’t convince them, they’ll convince you.

Pisces

20 February-20 March

The scratching in your walls is no longer mice. They will start to smell soon, but they are dead. So why hasn’t the scratching stopped? Oh, that’s you. Why are you scratching yourself? The blood is beading now. Does it itch that badly? If you keep going faster, you’ll tear it all off.