What Millikin Should Do If Trump Becomes President
November 8, 2016
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Since Election Day is just around the corner, we students at The Decaturian are beginning to get worried. What if our fellow Americans are not as intelligent as we thought? What if they elect an orange traffic cone as our beloved nation’s next Commander in Chief? What are we, as broke college students, going to do? Most of us can’t move since we’ve spent most of our money on schooling. So moving out of the country is not a possible option. So what are we supposed to do to avoid the poop storm that is sure to come with a Trump presidency?
Well, we have an idea. We have done our research, and after some thorough searching of the world wide web, we have come up with the perfect solution. Millikin University should become its own sovereign state.
We have it all planned out, all Millikin has to do is buy an island off the coast of Ireland. We even took the liberty of island shopping ourselves and found the perfect location: Spanish Island. The island is a beautiful 134 acres about one mile Northwest of Baltimore Harbor, West Cork. The island is surprisingly cheap, with a sale price of 497,169 dollars. We could sell the football stadium and be able to pay off all of our expenses, easy.
So, after we pick up all of our stuff and move onto Spanish Island, the first thing we have to do is name ourselves. “The State of James Millikin” has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Next, we have to figure out our government. Which shouldn’t be too hard since we already have a governing body here on campus. President White will officially become Dr. White, President of The State of James Millikin. Our laws will be our Millikin Code of Conduct and our National Anthem will be “Hail Our Alma Mater.” Our primary language will be English, but we will work to accommodate for all languages that are spoken within our borders. Our insignia will the same, our symbol will be the same. Honestly, we have almost everything we need to become a sovereign country as it is, all we really need to do is move out of the U.S.
We definitely have to move out of the U.S. There is no way that Donald Trump would let us become a sovereign country within the borders of AMERICA. So all we have to do is raise about 500,000 (or seriously, sell our football stadium, or the whole campus since we’re leaving) and move. We can bring more than just students and faculty, anyone who donates money to Millikin can come as well. Honestly, we could make a Facebook page called “Who want’s to move out of the country” and just bring everyone who signed up on the page with us. Since Millikin’s campus is only 72 acres and the island is 134, we definitely have room to spare.
All we need in order to set this in motion is to bring our suggestion to President White and then host a contest for a flag design. So for those of you who are worried that you may be stuck here if Trump becomes P.O.T.U.S., have no fear. Your favorite student-run newspaper has a foolproof plan!